The Adventures of Tobasco da Gama

Marvel is doing yet another Marvel Zombies miniseries.

I just… fucking… can’t. Just no. No. FUCK’S SAKE, MARVEL, NO. STOP IT. STOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPIT

Joe Quesada, I will set you on fire for this.

Bonus irony: “I think Marvel took the wise course of not overdoing it.”

“TEH BLOGGARZ!!!!!”

[15 minutes pass]

Holy crap, it’s Giles of the Living Dead!

[15 minutes pass]

“TEH BLOGGARZ!!!!!”

[An hour passes]

BROADSWORD, MOTHERFUCKERS!

You know what would be better than yet another Marvel Zombies mini-series?

Marvel Dinosaurs.

Just sayin’.

I was planning to do some Keren Ann lyrics today, but what with the zombie apocalypse… Well, the choice was clear. Jonathan Coulton’s “Re: Your Brains”.

As for my situation, I’ve only made it as far as Newton so far. Didn’t have to use the rope dart. I just made a break for it and kept moving. Saw a few zombies around, but… Well, I just let them go. Look, I’m not proud, but I’m just one guy, and I’m not exactly armed to the teeth here.

I did get to use the rope to scale a fence, though. There are some pretty impressive mansion-style homes out in Newton, which was along my general route of escape. I tried Cambridge St. and Brighton Center, but it was getting just as bad as Comm. Ave. There was no way I was getting across unscathed, and given what happened to Zahnnie it seems like it doesn’t take much to get turned. I wasn’t going to risk it.

So I got stuck in Newton. Used the rope dart as a grappling hook to get over the wall of one of the places. Didn’t seem like anybody was home, but for all I know they’re home and just not breathing. As in shambling, hungry for human flesh, etc. Not risking it. So I scaled their garage, which was separate from the main house. The fences around the grounds will probably discourage most of the riff-raff. I hope, anyway. We’ll see. I haven’t been able to hook up with anybody else, so I’ve got nobody to watch my back.

Won’t be surprised if I wake up undead, frankly.

Anyway, here’s the song lyrics:

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When I left the coffee shop, things were still pretty quiet. I knew it was too good to last.

I stopped at a hardware shop on the way back. The owner had heard of the outbreak and was giving away supplies for free, bless him. Most of the obvious stuff was gone already, the shovels, hoes, and most of the lumber. So I took rope. Rope and some D-rings. I figure if worst comes to worst, I can take to the roofs. Better than being stuck at ground level.

I also grabbed the heftiest, sharpest trowel I could find. Better than nothing. It also had a nice loop on it for hanging on a tool board. I’m thinking rope dart. I’m no Jet Li, but I’ve had a little practice with one. Useless in a crowd, naturally, but what isn’t? A Gatling gun, maybe. Wish I had one of those.

When I left the store, I saw my first zombie. He was on his way in. One of the other patrons took him out with a shovel. There weren’t any others on my way back home, so I don’t know where that one came from.

My roommates are all gone. Don’t know where they are. I’ve locked up the apartment for now, but this won’t work long term. I’m a block from a hospital, and somebody dropped a friggin’ evacuation route right past my front door. It’s clogged already, bumper-to-bumper but still moving slowly. When the shit hits the fan, it’ll be nothing but a chow line.

JESUS! Speaking of chow lines, somebody just drove full-speed into one of the Green Line trains being used to speed the evacuation. Nobody else is getting by this way for a while.

Worse still, from what I heard anybody who dies rises again. No matter what killed ‘em, whether it was a zombie bite or not. This is it, I’ve got to move. I’ve got a siege plan for this place, but I was counting on the hordes slowly moving out from the city. I wasn’t planning on being at ground zero, and I’ve got no time to convince the neighbours to help me barricade the stairs and the front entrance, never mind convincing them to abandon the first floor. On the other hand, the accident is going to make an opening for me to get out and head toward the northwest. There are a couple of other evacuation routes I’ll need to cross, but if I can head that way maybe I get at least a little breathing room.

Any of my friends who are still in the city, call me. We need to meet up. Strength in numbers.

Now I’ve gotta finish my packing and move out before I get trapped here at the epicenter.

One of my LJ friends is blogging about some weird stuff going down in Texas. It’s making me a little nervous, but the outbreak doesn’t seem to have reached here yet. Sitting in the coffee shop, actually, I don’t see any signs of panic.

Maybe nobody’s heard. I guess it’s not in the media yet. Will it ever be? Will it be soon enough to warn people? Will blogs be the only record of the last days of our civilisation?

I guess my thing for military surplus clothing is going to come in handy now. Half my wardrobe is rip-stop. I don’t have a lot of camoflague, but I don’t think it matters to zombies anyway.

The big problem is going to be weapons. I’ve got… a Leatherman. Yeah, real big help against the hordes of shambling undead. Maybe if I look, I can find something heavy. The best would be a metal pole of some kind. I used to have this broken street sign, length of aluminum about six feet long, that I’d swing around in the yard at home. That practice is gonna come in handy, I suppose, if I could find something to swing. Something solid, something heavy. Something to put some distance between me and the zombie bastards.

Jesus! Out the window… Was that person a shambling corpse or just really old? It’s so hard to tell. I’d better get home and pack some supplies. And grab the power cord for my laptop of course. There’s no way in Hell I’m going through the apocalypse without internet access.

Happy Death Day, Jesus!

Interesting that the name “Good Friday” given by the Church seems more to agree with the Gospel of Judas version of events than anything.

I haven’t done a zombie post in a while. But Feministe got me thinking of Beatles songs that would make good titles for zombie movies. So, here are some:

Happiness is a Warm Brain
A Day of the Dead in the Life
All You Need is Brains
Day Tripper of the Dead
Everybody’s Got Something to Hide Except Me and My Zombie
Zombies Here, There, and Everywhere
I am the Zombie
I Want to Eat Your Hand

Surely, somebody out there can think up some others. To the comments!

[Ed: This should be a refreshing change from all the Serious Stuff. And, for those keeping score at home, that indeed is a Clash reference in the title.]

Tobasco da Gama advanced carefully with his sabre drawn. Taking a deep breath to steel his nerves, he rounded the corner to face a dozen lurching monsters, still animated and powerful and hungry even as the rotting flesh sloughed off their bones.

This could be Trouble.

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