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I, Personally, Have Never Eaten a Brain

Azombism has lately been enjoying a certain vogue. Spurred on by the success of anti-zombie books such as those by Max Brooks, militant azombists have become emboldened and are increasing their attacks against the very practice of zombism itself. However, in doing so, they reveal their profound and willful ignorance of the deeper nuances of the undead lifestyle.

These “new azombists” simply argue against the worst examples of our brain-eating fellow zombies. What they fail to recognise while attacking these fundamentalist zombies is that many zombies practise more complex and subtle forms of zombism. I, personally, have never eaten a brain, nor have many of my zombie friends, yet brain-eating is one of the main complaints of the azombists.

Their counter-argument is that moderate zombies like myself still spread the zombie parasite, providing “cover” for the fundamentalist brain-eater zombies and creating new zombies who might in the future lean towards brain-eating. This is absurd! I myself have been known to occasionally glower with disapprobation when one of my fellow zombies finds a stray feral human and cracks open her brain case. Others claim is that the simple act of bringing humans into our fold is a form of “indoctrination” or “human abuse” since the zombie bite is, of course, 100% effective when administered and completely irreversible. Can we help it? We simply have found a philosophy that gives our lives great meaning, namely the slaking of our implacable hunger for human flesh.

I wonder, have these militant azombists ever sampled the finer delights that the zombie lifestyle has to offer? Leave aside the brain, fatty and bland organ that it is; brain-eating is simply far too easy for azombists to attack, even if it is one of our most cherished traditions. (Though I’m far too sophisticated myself to follow it.) Have the azombists ever tasted the robust, pungent sting of the bladder? The tangy, alcohol-soaked flavour of the liver? The subtle complexity of a spleen full of macrophages and aged red blood cells? I think not! For that matter, have they ever engaged the sublime works of the great zombie philosopher Petrosjko or the first-class journalism of the Malton Herald & Sun? Doubly no! They are content merely to attack the most ignorant of zombies and pretend they have served a fatal headshot to all of us.

Only when they can address all these works and anything further that I can come up with in an attempt to move goalposts can they seriously argue that they have just as much a right to exist as any zombie. Really, the nerve of these guys!

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